Mulla

Today I was cleaning my apartment in preperation for my boo's parents' impending visit. They're coming this weekend from Missouri. I found an old envelope from the bank. I walked toward the trash bag in the middle of the room containing miscelanious other findings from a pack rat. I though the envelope felt thick, and assuming it held a receipt within. As I peeled back the thin walls of the envelope, within laid a treasure I never expected. Right there, as green as the palm trees visible through my screened in balcony, laid three whole dollars! Now I'm unemployed, so three dollars opens up a world of excitement, imagination, and possibility. I think I'll use it to do one load of laundry. Is it fate that the amound I found is the exact cost to wash and dry one load? To this hopeless daydreaming romantic, I'm gonna say YES it is!!!

Quick update

I know its been a while, but my life has been swept up in a tornado and tossed around. I'm trying to replace everything to normal, but its harder than I thought.

Well, I lost my job. Apparently they frown on texting on the job. The story they gave me is that the big boss over all the stores does random checks of our security tapes. And she caught me using my phone on the sales floor. Which is no big deal, really, because I was unhappy there anyway.

The big negative is that it was a job at Harley Davidson. It was just at their retail store, and I basically spent my days folding tee shirts. But it was still a job with the company. Now, I go to school to be a Harley Davidson mechanic. So I got fired from the company that I'm paying $30,000 to go to school to learn how to work for. So I'm sure that won't look good on my resume.

I'm sure it will all work out, though. I'm the go with the flow type of girl. Take it easy. Everything happens for a reason, right? I truely beleive that. I just try to be the best person that I can and trust with blind faith that everything will fall into its rightful place. And it usually does, in a strange way.

Rusty and I are still together. He moved into my apartment to help me financially. It will be much cheaper for both of us to just live together. Even though we've only been dating a few months.

I feel like our relationship is being rushed. Pushed faster than most should, which adds more stress to it. We moved in together faster than normal for financial reasons. But mostly what is pushing us is our impending decision. I graduate in the beginning of October, and he will graduate six weeks later in mid December. And then we have to leave Orlando and go start a life. Do we do that together and continue our relationship? He's from Missouri and I'm from Georgia. So if we were to stay together, we'd have to mutually agree on a place to live and both find jobs there (which is the same job for the same company...what are the chances?). We were thinking Tennessee because its a good half way point between our home towns. But the thought is still scary. I'm also a little scared of not choosing him and always wondering what if...

Anyway, thats enough for now. More to come soon. I hope you all enjoy your holiday weekend, and be safe!

My uterus.

Today is three weeks since my motorcycle accident. I can't beleive its gone that fast. And I'm almost all healed up. Kind of. Still have to bandange my elbows and one knee, but thats it. But while I was in the hospital, they had to run all kinds of tests on me to ensure there was no internal bleeding or broken bones.

After my MRIs and x-rays and CT scans, the doctor came in to give me the results. He said everything was great... as far as the accident is concerned. No injured organs or bones. But that he did see that my uterus is misshapen and I should go to my obgyn to have more conclusive tests done. He called it a bicorneal uterus.

Now I am one of those women who feels its their purpose in life to procreate. Although I may never do anything significant in my life, I will raise the most wonderful, smart, creative, perfect children who will be more influencial than I could ever be. Thats my contribution to the world. And my ex and I could never have kids. We thought he was the problem, which may be true, because he was married before me and they couldn't either. We were both supposed to have fertility tests, but just before our appointments, he was in a near fatal bike accident, and we never did. Now I know what I would have found out.

So I've been too scared to research my uterus. Its kind of the flamingo theory. If I don't see it, its not there. But this morning I finally was brave enough to sit down and do it. Then I cryed and called my mother. If you can get pregnant with this condition, only 63% of those pregnancies result in live birth. Thats a huge chance of miscarriage! I don't know if I can handle that. I don't know if I can handle any of this. I know its too early to freak out, because I haven't even seen my obgyn. Thats the next step. But I'm even afraid to do that. And its not like I'm trying to have kids anyway. I'm no married, and have no plan to be anytime soon. But its till a very scary thing to go through.

And I feel so alone with it. I'm so far from home. No one to really talk to. Rusty tells me not to worry. Just to see the doctor. He doesn't even want to talk about it. He's not too sensitive about it at all. But he's a man. He doesn't understand, and I shouldn't expect him to. Besides, he has two kids and doesn't really know whether he wants more. So his insight isn't the one I need right now anyway. I need my best friend from back home, Hope. She is my comforst zone. I'm just really scared right now.

Healing up nicely.

Honestly, my skin looks pretty nasty. But its suprising how quickly I've been healing. Even the doctors are amazed. But now I'm in the itchy stage. Which to me, is almost the most torturous thing imaginable.

You see, the road rash is spread randomly over my entire body. My legs, my stomach, my sides, my bike, and mostly my arms. And not only are the wounds itching, but the skin around them that gets bandaged itches from the tape and lack of air. And to top it off, I had a reaction to one of the meds or something, because I'm getting an itchy rash on my thighs and upper arms! So just imagine it...my entire body is engulfed in this extreme tingly itching sensation that I'm not allowed to scratch.

I have woken up in mid scratch, or with Rusty holding my arms and telling me to stop. It takes a lot of self control, and I have to admit that I do endulge myself from time to time with a little scratch. But it ends with either burning or bleeding or leaves red marks and Rusty knows what I've done!

Tonight he has promised me a pedicure. He's like the best friend a girl could have. No matter what we're doing, we make the best of it. We just click. He shops with me. Loves going to the mall. He'll hold my purse when I need both arms. We sit on benches and people watch. He's promised to take me roller skating when I heal. And he doesn't watch sports! He almost seems too good to be true. I don't think I'll be able to go back to normal boys if we ever break up. I'm just so happy with him. More to come later on my bliss...for now I'll go back to trying to restrain my fingers from satisfying this never ending itch....

Wrecked my bike

Saturday I was in a motorcycle accident. I'm not gonna go into too many details on what happened. Lets just say that I'm extremely lucky. Not a single broken bone and no internal damage either. The only thing that happened is that my body is covered in road rash. So I'm bandaged up like a mummy.

Now road rash hurts worse than I imagined. I just opened up nerve ending all over my body that sting and burn constantly. And poor Rusty has to change my bandages twice a day every day. He also cooks, cleans, feeds me, massages lotion onto the skin thats not hurt too bad, sponge bathes me, goes to school full time and is still holding down his full time job. All while retaining his cheery disposition. I couldn't ask for more. I owe him more than I could imagine repaying.

I did have to take a leave of absence from school. But at least I'm alive. One day at a time, ya know? I am frustrated though, and very tired. I had to go back to work today. Which is where I am now. And thats very hard for me. I just want to sleep all the time but even sleeping hurts. And I can't even afford the guaze that I'm using every day so I have to work.

My lesson here is ALWAYS where gloves on a bike! Even if its hot, just buy the fingerless type. The skin on the palms of your hands is so sensitive, and its not fun at all to loose it! Learn from my mistakes...

BTW...that picture is of Rusty and me waiting to see a doctor for a follow up appointment about my wounds. The doctor loved us! We fake bickered and picked on each other the whole time. We were so playful, even she started making jokes with us. I love meeting people that you just click with instantly. She said its not ever day you get a coupld in quite like us. Haha. A compliment, I hope.

I don't wanna grow up...

So my new boo has a name. I never disclosed Cookie Professors name because his job was at stake. But boo, he's at no risk. His name is Rusty. And he doesn't know about the blog. I really don't want him reading all about my feelings for CP.

Well Rusty and I had the most unique date I've ever been on in my entire life, or most likely ever will. It was a childish, illegal, and most of all, the most relaxing, fun night I've had in a long time! I suggest that anyone as stressed as I have been should try this.

I don't smoke marijuana. I'm indifferent to it, really. I've tried it, and never really liked it. But I have friends who do it almost daily. I do beleive it should be legal, for many reasons that I will not go in to now. But somehow he convinced me to. Although, he doesn't really do it either. And the experience must truely be based on who you share it with. Because I had the giggly, happy high people describe, but I've never had the joy of experiencing.

Next we went on an adventure to a seven eleven. I have to say the rows of coolers full of endless choices of soda were overwhelming. And I don't think I've ever been so thirsty! And what kind of candy goes with root beer anyway, where I to choose root beer? And do I want chips too? Where'd Rusty go... You get the point. The clerks had to know.

Our last stop for the evening was my apartment. Where we built a fort that covered most of my living room out of blankets, chairs, and tables. We filled the fort with cushions and pillows and told stories and giggled most of the night away. Then we fell asleep watching the movie Legend.

We definately had a mess to clean up the next day. And I found gummy bears in the weirdest places. But we had a great time. Rusty is so sensitive and fun. He's like a best friend and a boyfriend in one. I'm very happy these days.

These are a few of my favorite things...

So I've just gotten in a small spat with a co worker. He's a new co worker. A semi-boss. He likes to throw his weight around and show that he's a boss. But since I'm a semi-boss as well, I don't like to take it. Especially since I've been here a year. It also doesn't help that this job just puts me through school, so I don't care for it too much. Unfortunately for him, he's made retail into a life long career to support his family.

Did I mention that on my way home to Georgia monday, I got a flat tire? On I-75 in downtown Atlanta! Six lanes of traffic in either direction at 10 pm and not one person offered help. I've never changed the tire on a car before. But I did it. Out there in the dark with no instruction. It was easier than I thought, and felt good to be independant.

With my recent troubles in school, my finacial hardships, and my relationship issues, I really could use a pick me up! So here it goes. I will name some things about life that make me sincerely happy to the core. And maybe it will get me through to another day. Here goes nothin...

-the way freshly picked daffodil stems feel when I squish them between my fingers
-making crowns and necklaces out of small flowers and leaving the green goo in my fingernails
-rubbing tiny kittens' soft fur on my face (everyone does it)
-almost any flavor of Ben and Jerry's ice cream
-watching movies on a rainy day with my boo stroking my hair
-playing Cribbage with my mother
-baking the ugliest birthday cake ever and having everyone tell you how beautiful and delicious it is...the supportive lies are very kind
-newborn baby's cry or a small toddler's laugh
-reading a good book, the kind you can't put down and are disappointed when you finish it in two days
-brand new box of crayons and coloring book when I don't feel well (you don't get too old for that)
-the rumble you feel in your chest when riding down the road on a motorcycle...really gets my blood pumpin.

aaaahhhhhh...feels better already. Thanks!

i suck at life...

So I failed my current class. Well, I didn't exactly give it a chance to fail. You see, my school has a minimum attendance requirement to pass each class. And I was doing so poorly in this one, that on Monday, I signed out, left, and didn't look back. I went straight to cookie professor's class for some comfort. Of which he could only spare minimal amounts around his students. He sent me many texts later about how he wanted to hug me and hold me and comfort me. And God, I wish he could have. So I drove to my apartment, packed a bag with neccessities, and drove straight to Georgia to see my mother.

Of course it was just a tease of a vacation and I had to return Wednesday morning to be at work on Wednesday night. And a new rotation starts on Monday, so I'll have to go back to class. Unfortunately, they didn't replace me in the class I walked out of. Which would have been advantageous for me to take it while the material is fresh on my mind. Instead they put me in...
dun dun dun.......ELECTRICAL! (aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!) What I know about electrical systems of a motorcycles is about equal to what I know about the physiology of an earth worm.

Cookie professor and I are getting along well as friends. His birthday is in nine days and I plan on baking him his favorite cake. Which is lemon cake, no icing. What the hell is that? I'm not sure, but I'll google it and find out. I have to admit, though, that sometimes I hold his gaze too long and our hugs can linger on the edge of inappropriate. I feel guilty when I think of my new boo. How would I feel if he had another woman he felt this way about? Yuck. I don't even like the thought.

I apologize if my blogs have turned into a medium for me to vent. It reads like complaint after complaint. I promise the next will be happier. If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all...

WHAT IS THE WORLD COMING TO!?!?!

My school is located on a street here in Orlando called Orange Blossom Trail. The locals call it OBT. And OBT is known for its..."walkers". Is that an okay way to put it? Everyone at school like to call them the OBT Special. I see them mostly in the mornings on my way to school. And class starts at 6:30, so these poor woman are out their, cold or hot rain or shine at the crack of dawn trying to make money from the truckers entering and exiting the two highways that intersect right by my school.

Anyway, to get to the point... My new boo (his name is Rusty, and we're doing great, by the way). My new boo and I are leaving school one day at noon, and we pull out onto OBT and are immediately stuck in stand still bumper to bumper traffic. Its an especially warm day, in the mid seventies (can you believe that??? And its Fedruary!!!) so we have the sunroof open and the windows rolled down. I'm just relaxing in the passenger seat, and we're off in search of lunch.

Low and behold, one comes walkin down the street. So immediately he starts makin jokes. "Look at this one!" Funny, right? Kind of...until she walked up to the car. I guess for some reason we looked like a safe choice. And she says "I date couples!". Well my face turned red, and all I could do was turn and look at Rusty, who was laughing so hard, I thought he would wet his pants! She had walked up to the passenger window, so she's standing like three feet from my face! I didn't respond, so she said it again, "I do couples!" What do you do in that situation? I couldn't laugh or say no or get offended or anything. Just speechless, which is extremely rare for me. Of course, Rusty couldn't contain himself. So she walked back a few cars, but aparently didn't see any better prospects. So she returned to inform us that she had "the best black p**** we ever had". As if that would change our minds.

Of course, being a boy, Rusty still hasn't gotten over the hilarity of it. I called my mother, because I tell her everything. And she was almost in tears with sadness over what I life that woman must lead and must have always lead. Comparing my childhood to the one you would imagine a woman like that lived. And what she must go through now. My mother was also sad for me. Saying that was a piece of innocence taken from me for having experienced that.

I see it both ways, humorous and sad. And I'm not really looking for a reaction here, just a story to share. Many strange things have happened to me since I've moved to Florida. Its like a twillight zone. And what's worse is anything that could go wrong here, does. For my class mates as well as me. But that's another story for another day.

Hope all is well with my blogger family, thanks for the continuing support!

Totally broken hearted and broken legged...

I was never known as the graceful type of girl. In any way. My moves on the dance floor are more seizure-like than fluid or sexy. I still have the walk of a child, like Meg Ryan in French Kiss. (By the way, in my family, we live by Meg Ryan movies. We even have a saying WWMRD What Would Meg Ryan Do) When I was a child my mother affectionately refered to me as "My little spiller". If it wasn't so offensive, I'm sure she'd have given me a sippee cup until I was 15 years old. Maybe even to this day...my notebook for school has an orange tent and still smells vaguely of fresh, pulp free orange juice.

Because of my rough and playful style, I think its safe to say I've broken more than a few bones in my time. Unfortunately, my left ankle gets the worst of it, since it alone has been broken twice. And twisted many more times than that. Because of this fact, it likes to swell when its 'that time of the month' or during rain. Which is fantasic when I want to wear shorts, but I have one ankle and one cankle. Its also very weak and prone to give out while walking.

Now sometimes when it gives, I can catch myself and play it off. Of course, today was not one of those days. And of course, I couldn't have been alone or just with friends. But instead I was having a laundry date with my new boo. He is a STUDENT at my school. And my neighbor. So we decided to throw some laundry in, then watch a movie while we wait. So he's waiting for me at the bottom of the stairs outside my apartments. And I come hopping down, a basket of laundry in tow. I hit the bottom step, and my ankle rolled over. I went down, and my laundry scattered EVERYWHERE. In slow motion, dirty socks and panties flew through the air and landed with a boom. It seemed that way, anyway. And I tried to crawl around gathering everything before he could see, but even worse, he tried to HELP! How humiliating! Not only am I a total clutz...but why would I wash my panties on a date??? Am I insane?

He was kind enough to clean up the blood from my scraped knees, bandage them, put an ice bag on my ankle, put in a movie, and finish my laundry. What a sweet boy.

Now it sounds weird to talk about heart break and my new boo in the same blog. But the heart feels what it wants to, I suppose. I am seeing a new boy. And he is super cute. But that doesn't make it any less hard to admit that its over with Cookie Professor. We are still friends and its extremely difficult to not be with him. But I had to admit that I could never live forth fiddle in his life. But every time I hear his voice or see his face my heart still flutters. Maybe I should have waited longer to move on, but I didn't want opportunity to pass me by. These are my crazy college days, anyway, right?

Till my next disaster...I remain always your dainty dame...

I almost bought a new bike today.

I get the itch every two years and want to trade in my motorcycle for a newer, bigger, prettier one. And that almost happened today. Almost... And I would have gotten away with it, too. If it wasn't for my pesky friend. The one from my christmas picture. Being the voice of reason and reminding me that I don't need to go that far in debt right now. Especially when I'm a starving college student who can barely afford to eat. Damn logic ruining my fun!

I think I've hit a speed bump...

Life can be so complicated and confusing!!! Thats the part where real adults (because I'm still a kid, regardless of age), smirk and think how cute it is that I'm figuring out the ways of the real world.



Life isn't fair. I HATED hearing my mother repeat that to me as a child. Almost like her mantra. Anytime I complained about anything. Now I almost seem to be repeating it to myself. Just so I'll remember that I'm not owed anything in life and that things don't always work out like a Meg Ryan movie. And that is one of my biggest problems. I expect a magical, fairy tale ending in real life. Everyone knows that doesn't happen.



Anyway, I'll try to get to the point of my bitching. I'd like to mention here though that I really enjoy having this blog to vent. I love the wonderful advice you guys give, and having sympathetic ears. And also hearing that I'm not in this alone. So many other people experiencing the bumps in the road of life.

So Cookie Professor is divorced. He has two children, I beleive they are 7 and 11... or something around there. I have never met his family, we are not there yet. But he just informed me that is ex wife has MS. Which until today, I knew nothing about. He said its flaring up and he is now making arrangements to take care of his children, and eventually, her. What a terrifying thing for a family to have to cope with! I can't even fathom how scary that must be for him... even more scary for her... and how complicated and difficult that will be for their children to have to grow up with. Apparently multiple sclerosis affects the central nervous system and can make you loose control of body functions. On the bright side, its not fatal.

I don't know where things are going to lead with Cookie Professor and me. Between all his jobs and his family, he already barely has time to squeeze me in. And I'm being really selfish here by saying that at a time like this. He says his life can't be this complex forever, and that I am a huge help and stress releif for him. So at least he still wants me around. But where do I fit in? Its too soon to ask that question, but I'm not getting any younger and I don't want to waste my time with someone who is unavailable. I feel extremely selfish saying any of that.

So, even though you don't know the family, please pray for her and her children. Every prayer helps! And I promise to try to start blogging happier...