Today is three weeks since my motorcycle accident. I can't beleive its gone that fast. And I'm almost all healed up. Kind of. Still have to bandange my elbows and one knee, but thats it. But while I was in the hospital, they had to run all kinds of tests on me to ensure there was no internal bleeding or broken bones.
After my MRIs and x-rays and CT scans, the doctor came in to give me the results. He said everything was great... as far as the accident is concerned. No injured organs or bones. But that he did see that my uterus is misshapen and I should go to my obgyn to have more conclusive tests done. He called it a bicorneal uterus.
Now I am one of those women who feels its their purpose in life to procreate. Although I may never do anything significant in my life, I will raise the most wonderful, smart, creative, perfect children who will be more influencial than I could ever be. Thats my contribution to the world. And my ex and I could never have kids. We thought he was the problem, which may be true, because he was married before me and they couldn't either. We were both supposed to have fertility tests, but just before our appointments, he was in a near fatal bike accident, and we never did. Now I know what I would have found out.
So I've been too scared to research my uterus. Its kind of the flamingo theory. If I don't see it, its not there. But this morning I finally was brave enough to sit down and do it. Then I cryed and called my mother. If you can get pregnant with this condition, only 63% of those pregnancies result in live birth. Thats a huge chance of miscarriage! I don't know if I can handle that. I don't know if I can handle any of this. I know its too early to freak out, because I haven't even seen my obgyn. Thats the next step. But I'm even afraid to do that. And its not like I'm trying to have kids anyway. I'm no married, and have no plan to be anytime soon. But its till a very scary thing to go through.
And I feel so alone with it. I'm so far from home. No one to really talk to. Rusty tells me not to worry. Just to see the doctor. He doesn't even want to talk about it. He's not too sensitive about it at all. But he's a man. He doesn't understand, and I shouldn't expect him to. Besides, he has two kids and doesn't really know whether he wants more. So his insight isn't the one I need right now anyway. I need my best friend from back home, Hope. She is my comforst zone. I'm just really scared right now.
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I am so,so sorry to hear about your problem with your uterus,sincerly sorry.It is never easy to be confronted with news like that,all you really want to do is pull the blankets over your head,lock the door and shut out the world,but there's one way to get through this and that's to be informed :)
ReplyDeleteMake an appointment to see the doctor because I know that your probably running through loads of scenarios in your mind,alot of them really scary,that may never happen. But you won't know until you find out :)
ring your friend Hope,if you have no credit,email her :) talking to a good friend at a time like this is important :)
and lastly,statistics are there to keep people informed but they aren't always right. People all over the world are told that they can't have kids,many of them go on to have many! :) I'm in no way trying to belittle your fears,but there is hope :)
THinking of you! :)
Smileyfreak's comments are spot on. Knowledge is power; even a 63% chance is a chance and it's better than 50%.
ReplyDeleteAnd while this may not be of comfort to you in this moment, let me add one more thing to the mix. To raise that "most wonderful, smart, creative, perfect children who will be more influential than I could ever be; thats my contribution to the world" child, you don't have to give birth to him/her. Just some food for thought down the road.
Be well, my dear. Go to the doctor - may I caution, one with experience in high risk pregnancies and tons of bedside manner - and get your knowledge on. I'll be thinking of you. - Bonnie