I just wanted to say that I'm still alive. Its been a strange couple of weeks here. The weather is finally changing. I think we're done with the 90 degree days here. And no matter where you are or when the season change happens, the transition from warm, beautiful days to cold and gray ones always changes peoples emotions. Some people tend to get more sensitive and needy where as other get reclusive and sad. Personally, I'm the cuddly cold weather type. But its strange how people want relationships more this time of year. Whether it be friendships or more.
But this year for me its extra strange. I'm broke beyond belief. My cell phone got cut off for the first time in my whole life. I've never been this desperate before. And the guy who is my best friend here at school is now saying he has 'feelings' for me. Why do people have to go and ruin something really good? I probably wouldn't have if I was intoxicated at the time, but I told him the truth. I told him that he's a nice guy and that I love our time together, but that I have a silly school girl crush on someone else. I could never date him when what I really want is Mr Cookie Professor. Which is ridiculously silly, because its never going to happen. But I couldn't really be with anyone right now, because my heart wouldn't be completely theirs. I don't know why I feel such a connection to Mr Cookie Professor, but I do. If I go a few days without seeing him, I start wondering why I'm being so silly. But as soon as he smiles at me with those sexy mushy lips, I melt. Girls are so silly.
Speaking of him, I saw him today. He stopped me when I was riding away from school. So I stopped and turned my bike off to talk to him for a minute. He called me his sugar mama. A little joke from my last gift. It was the first time maybe ever that we've had a conversation without anyone around. He said he did put that sugar to use. He said he tried to make a cake, but baking just isn't his forte. He said he'd keep trying to make me something. I think I might make him something this afternoon, if I do I'll post more about that later, including recipe as usual.
Anyway, the worst part of all is being so poor. But I guess that's part of being in college. My best friend is having a c section on Saturday. She really wants me to come home for the weekend and take care of her daughter while she's in the hospital and meet the new baby boy. And I want to more than anything. But I just can't afford it. And it makes me want to cry. I haven't even told her yet. I'm holding out hoping that something will come up and I'll be able to go. But logically, I know its not going to happen. And I really need to tell her. But I don't know how. I really feel like I need to be there for her. I always have been. And she's always been there for me. Its bad enough that I moved 550 miles away. Now I can't even be around for the birth of her baby?
Sometimes I just wonder what I'm doing here. I'm sad and alone and broke. I have no car, no real local friends and a crappy job. The only thing going for me is that I'm still doing okay in school. And I have to remember that's really why I'm here. I'm paying $30,000 in tuition to do this, so I have to finish. And I better be good at it! I don't mean to be depressing. I'll get over this funk. Maybe its just the blustery, gloomy weather. Now I have to ride to work and hope it doesn't rain!
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Barrie, this is a short term phase and it will pass. I promise. Being broke and feeling lonely at 25 is part of the process - for better or worse. Best to get it done when you're still young and healthy and the whole world is waiting for you than when you're older and bitter and your jaw cracks when you chew (I'm not there yet, but I can imagine it's not too pretty).
ReplyDeleteCall your best friend and tell her the truth. I'm sure she'll be disappointed, but she can't be upset with you. Assuming you'll be heading home for the holidays, you can see her and the baby then.
As for your money woes, a cell phone is a necessity for a single gal with very few close friends around. Find one of those cheap, pre-paid jobs and use it only for emergencies.
Tell your boyfriend that while he's not "the one" he is an important part of your life and you value your friendship. Intimacy doesn't need to mean sex. Being close and sharing your life is part of it too.
If you have the time, try to find a second job on campus. It has the dual benefit of pay plus you may be able to pay down some of your school debt, plus no commuting. It can be something as lame as working in the library or the cafeteria.
Stay focused on your school work. This weather change brings on more than S.A.D. or "nesting", it can make you lazy. Grab a hot cup of coffee and study.
I know exactly what you are going through having been there myself. Admittedly it was nearly 2 decades ago (Christ, I'm old) but I lived it and in the end, you learn to love it. It's empowering to fall down and pick yourself up again. Don't stop. You'll be fine. Better than fine.
Hey, idea! Maybe you can ask Cookie Professor if he needs help, paid of course. You can't live on cookies; not the ones he's making anyway ;-).
Be well, Barrie. Keep us posted. - Bonnie